"You can't deny you're looking for the sunset" She's Got You High
2009-10-25, 6:10 p.m.

Kalyn and I went to volunteer at a local animal shelter today. It's a great place, and I love spending time there. 1) It's a no kill shelter. 2) It is in need of help and 3) they dont glorify their volunteers. You walk in whenever, you talk to a lead and find out who needs to be fed, who needs to be walked, who needs to be cleaned, you stay however long you can, and you leave. It's a no bullshit sort of place, and I sincerely appreciate that. I hate volunteering, and feeling like I do nothing, and am subsequently thanked for nothing. I know what it's like to coordinate volunteers or even people getting paid, and most people suck in general when it comes to doing a decent job at pretty much anything. I end up spending more time explaining and coordinating workers/volunteers and so just give them shit jobs I don't have to actually watch them do just to keep them busy and then end up thanking them profusely for, well, nothing. At this shelter you walk in and you do what needs doing. If you stand around and do nothing, or if you put your back into it it's up to you. The workers there are gonna get shit done with or without your help. Today Kalyn and I cleaned, folded and put away rags/towels and sheets, then walked some of the dogs. There was this girl, Jeselle. She ran me ragged for sure. I haven't run that fast in a long ass time. The only thanks I got was a nice kiss from Jes. To expect more is human. However, I would bring up Hornbecks little note on humanity; "Darwin was Wrong! Man's still an ape. His creed still a totem pole. When he first achieved the upright position he took a look at the stars... thought they were something to eat. When he couldn't reach them, he thought they were groceries belonging to a bigger creature... that's how Jehovah was born. " That sentiment was even more pronounced today as I looked at these animals and wondered who the hell did this to them? They were all perfectly normal. Personally I thought they were all gorgeous, and sweet. In fact there were some dogs there that were expensive looking dogs (ex: poodles and cockerspaniels). People just don't take animals seriously at all, and it's just annoying. Actually, the whole history of dogs as pets is just kind of weird. It's this animal that's bred for the sole purpose of making humans happy, and yet these humans who are responsible for this breeding treat them like shit. My first dog as a kid was an abused dog. Golden retriever alaskan huskey mix. She was beautiful. She also could not have children anymore and had a broken ear because of the abuse she suffered. Animals and children. Once the control bit is established, the individual needs of the being under control are forgotten. It doesn't even make me sad anymore, it just annoys the fuck out of me. We expect, demand compliance in fact, in return for whatever it is we want. It's easier this way. It's much harder to foster loyalty and compliance through mutual respect. But that's bordering on a separate tangent. And people know this- it's a knowledge that comes with being a feeling being. Yet they (and by they I mean we) do it even though WE know it's wrong. I'm as much to blame.

Another thing I do that I know is wrong? Stay silent in situations where my silence is unwanted, and hurtful. Increasingly I find myself having so much I would like to say, and knowing when the appropriate time to say these things actually is, but I find it easier to just say nothing and ride it out. Maybe I'm punishing others for not being straightforward. I know what they're trying to imply but I don't feel like easing the process by playing to those implications. I'm not being malicious, just cautious. What if I'm misinterpreting? I feel like I'm a rather intelligent, empathetic being, and hence some discomfort for the sake of being straight and open is warranted. That or I feel like I'm saving them from having to hear me babble. Anyways, being able to do something straightforward like the shelters laundry or walking the dogs, becomes zen.

Much love.

(Note: I have now edited this entry 3 times because I have a midterm I'm supposed to be working on and I don't want to do it. Of late, I've been finding distraction in my army friend who will probably read this and roll his eyes at me, but seeing as he is no longer available I have busied myself by going out on multiple occasions today, looking at pictures, talking on the phone, making tortillas, and just about any other thing I could think of but work on my midterm. Needless to say it is now 12:15am and I will be pressing the "done" button on this entry and will be up all night working on it).