"All these saints that I move without I lose without in vain" Beruit
2008-06-02, 10:21 p.m.

When someone is a fucked up, it is their responsibility to get help to spare the people around them. Especially when they have children, or friends that care about them, or a spouse, or even if no one cares about them but they still interact with the community. If you want to be a bitch (and this is not gender specific) don't fucking take it out on the people that care about you.
Either you go get help, or you go crawl in a fucking hole somewhere and stay there till the good lord comes to take you home.

And honesty. that's another thing. If you can't be honest, you might as well go join the party happening in that hole . Especially if you can't be honest with those that sacrifice everything for you, or care about you so much that it hurts, and it feels like your heart is being torn out of you chest every time you draw a new breath.
If you hate me, if you resent me, then just fucking tell me. Stop wasting my time! Stop lying to me, and making it seem like I mean anything to you, because it only makes it hurt that much worse when you ignore me, when you accuse me of things I didn't do and won't let me say anything about it. It hurts that much more when you answer me with contempt, and every time you say my name it's like you just want to drive a knife through my back, and laugh while you watch me bleed to death.
It makes it hurt that much more when you make snide comments behind my back, but only when you know I'm going to hear them. It hurts the worst when you make the kind gestures, when you say something nice about me to someone else. That's when it really really burns. You pretend I'm not even here. You make it seem like nothing I do is every fucking good enough. When will it be good enough??

When I do everything you ask and you treat me like shit, but I still worship the ground you walk on? Done that already. Or how about when I get a $37,000 scholarship and graduate from a good university with honors (no thanks to you). Oh wait, did that already.

Or how about when I excel so well at my job that I get 7 raises in 5 years and end up running the place, and have people crying when I leave? Did that.

Or when I work two jobs so that I can go volunteer in another country? Already did that.

Or how about when I lie to the police so that you aren't locked up? Did that.

Or how about when I cry myself to sleep over you every fucking night, get anxiety attacks at two in the morning, don't even bother with other people because I've dedicated my everything to school and then everything else to you? Did that. Ruined my life doing that. Wasted my youth doing that. For you.

And what do I get back? Nothing. And I don't ask for anything either. Because this is what I'm supposed to do right? This is what is expected of me. And they call me strong. They say I'm so solid. I'm so adroit, wise. So fucking rock hard. My sister says I'm cold.

If only they fucking knew how just yesterday I took a screwdriver and racked it across my skin so I could just do SOMETHING of my own accord. Something that I decided to do, and something you couldn't comment on. If only they knew that I cry all the time. I cry at radio commercials. RADIO commercials. But only when no one's looking.

Because when they ask, when those that love me ask, I say it's alright. I'm happy. This is what I want to do. This is ok.

It's all my fault anyways. I shouldn't blame you. If I was smart, if I really was rock solid, I would have left a long time ago. If there's one thing I hate myself for, it's this, and only this.

That I don't care what anyone else thinks, that I carry myself so well, that I can be professional, smart, stand up for myself, navigate myself through anything, except for you. When it comes to you I'm weak, pathetic and absolutely worthless. I will never every be able to forgive myself for it.

two more months and counting till I can just have a clean slate. I'm almost there.