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Lost as you
2015-09-22, 10:25 a.m.

I just want to write somewhere public, but also private. Those things exist. You can be somewhere where everyone is, but not have anyone around. It's just you in your head, and you're putting these thoughts out in to the universe. And they're important to you, because they are you. And you work REALLY hard on your thoughts, because if you let them loose you could fall again and this time you might not have the strength to pull back up. So you want to share these carefully curated works of art you've spent so much time on, but like any creation you don't want anyone to see.

I didn't make a mistake. I know I didn't make a mistake. That is the thought I wanted to share. I didn't make a mistake time number one, or time number two. Heart wrenching love the kind that makes it so you can't breath. I know I didn't make a mistake, because the kind of love that lasts doesn't require a fucking inhaler. Both those times I was fighting off breathlessness with alcohol, weed, self hatred. Not I use those things for reasons that are under my control, not someone elses. Sometimes it feels empty to be that capable. To have friends and a partner and parents and co workers who recognize you as that capable. This is what I wanted, what I worked for. Sometimes I'm jealous of the pain others have, and the mistakes they made or are making. They're idiots. But my art came out of idiocy. And now I don't have my art. I was that woman for so long, I'm losing my identity a bit.

What it's really time for is building a new identity. Just a lot easier said than done.