"In my mind I'm crawling on your floor, vomiting and defeated, total absence of grace" Ane Brun 'Rubber and Soul'
2010-05-11, 1:42 p.m.

I hate saying I'm "stressed out." It implies some sort of weakness which I feel I don't deserve. Stress is not getting to eat. It's not knowing where you're going to get your next meal. It's not knowing if you're going to be alive tomorrow. It's my students telling me that so many of their relatives have died, they know they're next. It's not a matter of IF they're next, just when.

Regardless, I'm feeling something close to stress. The kind that makes you want to lay in bed all day. In fact if it weren't for my students, I probably wouldn't get up. Im cutting again. Im editing entries again which my therapist has told me "is bullshit."

Life is kind of getting at me these days. People, school. I could deal with one of them, but putting them both together and dragging it out past the end of the semester is starting to wear me a bit thin.

I need a vacation. An honest to god, lay out in the sun and don't do anything else because there's nothing else TO do kind of vacation.

I dont want to hate anyone. I kind of hate certain people right now, and I hate hating people. Hows that for a double barreled statement.

its gotten to the point where I don't feel things the way I used to. I dont feel nervous before exams, I dont feel proud if I've done something right, or upset if I've done something wrong. I don't feel shame when I do something embarrassing, or sweet when someone's done something nice for me.