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" I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks, and it was way too literal for me" Mitch Hedberg So awhile ago Kalyn and I stumbled across videos of this comedian, Mitch Hedberg, that was just ridiculously awkward. His jokes ran together like oil and water. However he was pretty damn funny. It was just the weirdest thing. Below are some quotes. Excuse the weird numbers between quotes. I copy pasted from " this site
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. |
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