"To the sea I offer this load heavy load" Coldplay
2008-09-01, 9:25 p.m.

I haven't updated in ages, it seems like there's almost so much going on I don't know where to start. It's a bit overwhelming.
So I moved to New Orleans and then a week later got kicked out. I already had plans to come back to Austin for labor day, but I was supposed to be back home by Monday. Yet here I am, still in Austin, with my parents. With my mom who seems to be absolutely schizo. When I left we were on SUPERB terms. It couldn't have been better. Since I've been back she hasn't talked to me. She's made it a point to turn the TV off abruptly every time the hurricane is mentioned on the television. I mean she's being childish, but not mean or anything. It just hurts because it matters to me that my mother cares. Is that wrong? To be my age and care if she cares??
Probably. But the thing is it's been 13 years and I don't know what the hell I'm thinking. It's not like she's changed in 13 years. This is how she's always been. So why do I keep waiting, keep EXPECTING something different from her?

And then I get an email from someone who is probably reading this blog right now asking if I'd moved to Kentucky, and what I was doing there. KENTUCKY????
I told you 100 times where I was going and what I was doing, and you're too fucking busy being stoned or drunk to care.

And then I get another message from someone I was once very very close to, and who I cared a great deal about and who said he cared a great deal about me, asking if I'd graduated yet. You already congratulated me you nerd.
If you'd properly responded to any of the messages I sent you we'd have had this all figured out.

Then I realized, why the hell am I complaining. I have friends. GOOD friends. I have people I met a week ago calling me during the storm to check on me and make sure I was out of the city.
I have people who love me, like my sister who is so dedicated and loyal to me it makes me want to cry. And my amazing dad, and my baby sisters.

I really should be hitting myself in the head for holding on to these other people who have their own shit to worry about without me worrying about them. Exhibit A being my mother.
She can take care of herself. She doesn't NEED me. I know she loves me she has had her weak moments and told me that much herself. She's even gone as far as to tell me I'm her favorite kid. But I can't keep waiting around for her to make it more apparent, and to stop tearing my heart to pieces every time I see her and smile, and she looks away.

I need to move the fuck on, and just get over it.

So I'm doing that.
I'm moving on. And I'm sorry you guys have to endure one moaning entry after another. The only time I ever get on here is when I'm in a bad mood.
Love you guys.