"Yes I'm guilty of this you should know this"
2008-06-11, 10:40 p.m.

Mmm. I'm not sure what's happening to me. I'm turning into this great big ball of disinterest. I stare at things for hours it seems. And I don't expect anything from these things. It's not like I'm waiting for them to blow up or anything. I'm just starting at them for no reason at all. And I'm not thinking when I'm staring at them. My mind is blank, clean of anything at all , like this object has been hired as a janitor to wipe away the stains of contemplation and wistfulness. Maybe this is a good thing. It makes me miss school more. Makes me miss long nights of endless studying and worrying about grades.
My mom hasn't spoken to me in weeks. We live in the same house. And it's not like she's being mean. She bought me something today. She just isn't talking to me. It's almost better this way because we have nothing to talk about to each other anyways. When I talk, she doesn't listen, and when she talks, I never know what to say.

I'm listening to a song by a friend of mine (http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=282228410)
"I'll ask where the city is"

I can't make out a word that's being said, but I love it. I wish I could hear what the song is trying to be, rather than this overlay of effects, but part of me thinks that's the point.

I feel bland. Like oatmeal without sugar or syrup. Like bread without butter or jam. Rice without a garnish.

I also feel silent, like charlie chaplain. It's not that I'm not moving around, or making communications with my body, but I don't speak, at least I don't say anything worth hearing. Silent like a song where you can't make out the words.

And I feel . . . detached. Watching my days go by on some sort of movie screen, black and white and scratched, playing before my mind, just going forward. I'm just watching, waiting for the damn thing to be over so I can just get back to my life.

Job 13:5- If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom.