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"and I guess I'm blessed but sometimes it's just hard to see it such" I totally bombed my test today. I hope I pulled off a decent B. I just freaking hate philosophy and everything to do with it, most especially the history. Don't get me wrong, history is fascinating, but only when I can do my essays on my own time, not in class. I got an acceptance letter from Tulane today. Fabulous really. Once I hear from Santa Barbara on Monday about Money, I'll have to make a final decision regarding where I'm going to go. I'm sitting here trying to see if I would fit better in a run down shotgun house, or some student apartment overlooking the beach right between two huge mountains. Some people think I'm kidding when I say that really is a super tough choice for me. Run down shotgun houses are awesome, as is new orleans, but so is santa barabara. As far as the programs go, Santa Barbara is a better program, but Tulane has WAY better practicums. I've been doing so much soul searching in the past few weeks. I can't fucking sleep at night, and I think that's why I haven't been studying well. All this time I've studying to get to the point where I can choose a graduate school and start doing what I love, and suddenly that time is here. It's time to choose a graduate school. Everything else I'm just keeping up as a pretense, problem is I need to pass my classes in order to go to grad school. Of course, I'd like A's in them too. I also got an official rejection letter from UT grad school today. Fucking fate, that's all I have to say. I have to leave everyone here that's had a gripping hold on me without even knowing it, but in the same tone I have to leave the people I love the most in this life. Of course Kalyn and Fobs are both leaving town, but most of my soulmates are still gonna be hanging around austin, and my family of course. I'm ready for the change, I know I am, and I'm excited about it. I really don't know what's eating me. I feel like crawling into a hole and just staying there like the guy in "Perfume" who stayed in the cave and slept and licked water off the rocks to survive and stayed there for years and years not aware of himself or anything just being. Or maybe I'll disappear into some underground society like those American Vagabond pictures, and I won't be aware of anything in the world but myself and the stray dog that I pick up along the way. We'd walk from Texas to California and back up through the mid west to New York, and up to Maine where we'll camp out in the mountains in the winter. We'd make a home in a tree that we hollow out, with a little hold in the top so we can build a fire and we'd wake up to birds, and sleep to the sound of crickets. We'd have to fight away the raccoons so they won't eat our food, my puppy and I. Note: My therapist is leaving UT. So sad. She was SO incredibly great, and she called me personally to let me know. You know why I saw a therapist??? I know I talked about this before, but I didn't want to have to keep struggling with myself. It's not like I've done a complete 180, but it's nice to know someone's listening and can work with you to help you find a solution. I started seeing her last semester because I was bugging out about grad apps, and it was the first semester that I made ALL A's. Not one, not two, but FIVE straight A's. It's not that I wasn't making A's before, but I would go home after finals and feel like it wasn't ok to stop because everyone would be on my back about something or the other and I would take it so personally. I have NO reason on this planet to miss out on all the fucking things out there for me to grab and to use raw until I'm satisfied, and I've achieved everything i can and I'm so intellectually tired that I can actually sleep, like when you run 5 miles straight and you have blisters on your feet and you can't breathe and fall and the contrast between running and being still is so great you can actually FEEL what it's like to stop. When you can't sit back and be objective about the things you do, and you get so wrapped up in yourself, that's the end. There's no going forward. It's like being caught in one big boggy swamp. Kinda like I feel now. BUT BOGGY SWAMPS ARE OK, as long as you know when to pick yourself up, and move the fuck on, and you know what, I'm ready to move the fuck on. I don't care if my mom's got a fucking problem, or that I'm probably going to be alone for the rest of my life, because you know what I'M GOING TO GET MY PhD AND ROCK THIS PLANET RAW! I feel so much better. Love you!!!
"I'm not feeling touch I'm stuck here alone in the traffic lines So I'll be picking me up, Save me Is it in it, yeah sit in And I was picking me up, Save me And I could tell, Save me Save me So save me |
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